bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
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ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.