I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
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The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Would like to think i鈥檓 a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
拢13k, Slough
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
I鈥檓 not saying I have a drinking problem I鈥檓 proving it.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Sweet Revenge 馃槀馃槀馃槀
#archaeohistories
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
who will stop them
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Interior design 馃憣
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we鈥檙e both into.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she鈥檚 been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we鈥檝e been calling him dad all this time
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn鈥檛 recognize me with glasses on either.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.