Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
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According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
*Seductively hides in the woods
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing