Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
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My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.