Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
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Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
my professor scared me for a second
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
Breaking news:
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?