Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
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Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.