JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
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I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Maths meets science
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?