*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
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All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.