Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
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I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*