Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
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ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
mom had nothing to worry about
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Nothing.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.