Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
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Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
WHY?!
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.