Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
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“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Self-cleaning conscience
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
This is not me but this is me
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.