What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
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Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool