My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
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[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.