Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
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[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.