I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
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I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
why I oughta
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x