If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
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LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol