even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
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the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
is this a threat
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.