i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
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Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Just ordered me some pizza!
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Oh, I bet you would be
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.