LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
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My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees