Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
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Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.