*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
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@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.