I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
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I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
🔦🌙👣
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog