i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
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The sacred texts.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.