The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
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Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
Follow me for more life hacks.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?