[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
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midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Why font matters.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me