i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
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Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*