2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
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If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
May never get over this
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir