I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
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I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou