My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
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Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
#MeanwhileInCanada
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?