Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
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Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face