You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
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One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.