I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
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[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
The dark side of Canada
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
So that’s what we looked like?
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.