Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
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I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Mouse
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.