having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
You Might Also Like
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music