I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
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It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*