When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
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Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Spa day..😅
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.