Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
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Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
*praying for world peace*
God:
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
bias laundering edition
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra