How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
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Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG