“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
You Might Also Like
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
Our lord and savoury.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter