The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
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Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
bought wrong eggs
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Bro what is this
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit