Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
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Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed