Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
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*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in