Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
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My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
@funTweeters
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend