Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
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If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be