I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
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Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’