[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
You Might Also Like
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly