I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
You Might Also Like
Smooooooth
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.