Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
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Tough love is true love
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
*bites zombie*
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
The fall of Netflix
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what