As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
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BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
What’s a Messi?
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*